Rowney is dirtier than Dirty

I'm doing good. I really am for once. I'm having a really nice week and I don't feel like it's all gonna go bad at the end.

It's really confusing huh? We'll get through it, I know. We always do. Even if we only end up with a few weeks of happiness, it's worth it right? I'll fill the days inbetween with random busy work and avoiding The Notebook. It's all I've got, but it's enough.

I'm kinda drunk right now. I feel really messy and actually at my worst. I'll post coherent clean thoughts when I'm alone tomorrow. Right now I'm surrounded by good friends, and Lily's closer than she's been for days. I'm too busy being happy to care about the words under my hands.

I can't figure out how to end this post.

How about this?

I love you

xxo

Happily ever after. Even Cinderella needs a best friend

Let it go. Let it roll right off your shoulder. You know the worst part is over.

Summer's coming. The leaves are growing back and my little heart is starting to smile again. I walked out in shorts and my jesus walkers for the first time this year. It made the sun seem like it was shining a little brighter.

It wasn't just the sun that was shining today. I'm through that long dark tunnel, and I'm blinded by the light. I'm ten feet tall and I can do anything, and it's all because of one thing. One shining realisation. We all feel crushed sometimes. Everyone goes to a dark place that they think they'll never leave. It does hurt sometimes, and it doesn't stop, unless you remember one thing.

If you get knocked down, you have to stand up. You need to keep moving forward. No matter what life throws at you, you need to stand your ground, because it'll keep coming, and if you're crying on the floor, there's no way to stop it.

If you want a future, you need to forget the past and keep moving forward.

Keep. Moving. Forward.

xxo

P.s. Megan rules

True blues

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better
And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man
Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

xxo

Every day is a new chance

Got home from work at 7, tired as hell. Got changed and went back out without even brushing my teeth. Rolled to the practice rooms listening to Good Charlotte and singing really obviously at other cars. Hung with OTR, ate greasy chinese food and threw cushions at Matthew. I wore my white hoodie for the first time in ages. Lily's been wearing it so I sat in the corner of the room smelling myself and looking silly.

IM time now, waiting for my 'hi' to be answered.

More later, or earlier if I can't sleep again.
xxo

I feel so alone right now.

xxo

They were never that high to begin with

Disappointment is as important as breathing. The more you get let down, the easier it gets.

Maybe I'm testing myself, to see how much I can handle before I break. I can't tell if I'm getting worse, or if my skin is growing thicker, my stomach stronger. I should learn not to lay everything on the line, to try and hang it all on every tiny thread that gets dangled in front of me.

This could be my karma i guess, but I didn't cause this much pain did I? It would help sometimes if I could feel everything, rather than sitting under this subconscious umbrella. Let it rain down on me for once, so I can justify using the D word. But I don't have the guts for that do I?

I'm sick of the lies, the mixed signals, the fucking disappointment. Sick of spending every waking minute with my mind fixated on one thing, while at the same time knowing I'm just gonna be let down again.

But I'm not sick of the truth, the glint in our eyes, the times we spend together, when it feels like waking up for the first time. I know there's nothing I'd rather have on my mind, and I know that I won't be let down in the end, if I just have enough patience.

I'm laying myself out, but you're always so cryptic. I like your words running under my eyes, imagining they're all about me, never really knowing. Sometimes it's better never to know. Sometimes I wish I did.

Last night you were yourself, only for a second, but I'm looking at the three words that speak louder than anything you've said to me for weeks.

"Where do you want to be?" "I Y A".

But where will you want to be for that next second, and the minute after that, and the year after that. Sometimes it's better never to know. Sometimes I wish I did.

Walk right over me. Because when you get right down to it, whatever happens, you're always there, and you always will be, and I know we haven't smiled at each other for the last time. I know I'm going to hold your hand again. Nothing can stop that from shining behind my eyes and burning in my chest.

I've never felt this happy. I've never felt this crushingly depressed. Feeling both in the same breath. There's a name for it. When you're not just skin and bones but a swirling mass of invisible highs and lows. They call that being alive kids. Try it some time.

xxo

And you smell like one too

"Did you have a good birthday?"
"Yeh it was alrite"
"Alrite?"
"Yeh, it wasn't spectacular or anything"

Birthdays pretty much get, not worse, but more familiar as you get older. It stops being like another Christmas, and becomes just a day when you get a bunch of free stuff and you have to write a new number next to 'Age:'.

If you want a rad birthday you have to work at it. The real 'celebration' is gonna be on Friday. Hanging out with Lily Mae during the day cos we haven't seen each other for ages, or what feels like ages anyway. Then big chinese meal at night with all my friends, and a club afterwards. It'll be cool to see everyone in the same place. Almost never happens nowadays. So I guess by traditional birthday standards, Friday is gonna be my real day.

I did get a cake though. Blew out two candles (the amount of cake coverage gets a bit stupid after you turn 16) and made a wish. No I won't tell you.

Also got a new camera, with video. So expect this page to get slightly more colourful and interesting in the near future.

I'm off to stuff myself with cake and jelly beans.

Peace out

xxo

I wish I had one of those LA friendships where I get like 50 texts every day from all my friends asking me how I'm doing and inviting me for lunch and coffee and to parties at night.

Instead I'm stuck with this mess. Friends who call like once out of every 2 weeks. Friends who bail out on stuff cos its just not as important to them.

Whatever. Can't let this get me down. My best friend told me once that I shouldn't let people walk all over me. Seems like she's the only one who can do it nowadays.

I'm sick of trying to force things to work. If they're not gonna work then what's the point?

I'd say what I really feel if I wasn't so scared of losing the only person who really matters in my life.

xxo

Break down the wall that you made for me

I can't sleep again.

I feel so stupid sometimes but I guess that's what love is all about.

I think I need a holiday. I've got two possible opportunities, and two perfectly good reasons why I can't take them. I get the feeling they're the kind of reasons that would seem stupid to everyone else but it's what I think that counts right?

What are you doing on Wednesday? While you're all pushing pens around, I'll be riding the ass off all the rollercoasters at Alton Towers. Hell of a birthday huh? Photos will be posted.

Big chinese meal on Friday and bigger drinking afterwards. I'm not getting my hopes up for the people I want there but hopefully it'll all work out.

I'm gonna watch some cartoons.

xxo

I'm not possesive.

I'm not going to hold you down.

Its your life, go live it.

I just miss you more than I'd miss an arm or my eyes.

And yes sometimes I do get jealous and angry.

But it never lasts for more than a second.

The truth is you could slit my throat, and with my last breath I'd apologise for bleeding on your dress.

I'll never see you as anything other than the light of my life.
xxo

Daylight is your arch enemy

I stay up till the early hours plotting my schemes.

We wake up still dreaming. Caffeine lightens our lids. I lean over and tap out good mornings.

11.11 ticks by. I wish for your arms and your warm skin. I let you know I'm thinking of you.

Everything is moving slowly now. I want you to be there to help me deal with the speed when it picks up.

Lets take things slow, but fast forward some days. It's nice to just pretend, even if only for one weekend. It doesn't feel like we're pretending though.

Ily

xxo

Staring into my own eyes

I never seem to post any more.

My jigsaw life has found a home for some of its lost pieces. Things are finally slotting into place. Maybe we'll see the big picture soon.

Went to see Lily Allen at the weekend. I didn't catch much of the show though. My eyes were stuck on another pretty girl wearing a dress.

One thing I've noticed is that I'm never unsure anymore. My words have the weight they need, and my feet land where I point them. I may be climbing a mountain, but at least I'm moving upwards.

You still make me falter. On top of the keys I'm untouchable. Under your gaze I'm still that little kid, nervous on his first date, clothes never fitting right, words stumbling out of his trembling lips.

I'll mess with my hair and you'll tell me I'm fine. I'll never believe you.

You'll put on your face and I'll tell you you're beautiful. You'll never believe me.

We're both right.

I want to be your rock.

I want to be who you need.

It's who I am inside.

Will you ever give me the chance?

Will we always be this afraid?

My mirror shows what you dont see.

Failure.

Ugly.

Inadequate.

Child.

What do you see?


xxo