They were never that high to begin with

Disappointment is as important as breathing. The more you get let down, the easier it gets.

Maybe I'm testing myself, to see how much I can handle before I break. I can't tell if I'm getting worse, or if my skin is growing thicker, my stomach stronger. I should learn not to lay everything on the line, to try and hang it all on every tiny thread that gets dangled in front of me.

This could be my karma i guess, but I didn't cause this much pain did I? It would help sometimes if I could feel everything, rather than sitting under this subconscious umbrella. Let it rain down on me for once, so I can justify using the D word. But I don't have the guts for that do I?

I'm sick of the lies, the mixed signals, the fucking disappointment. Sick of spending every waking minute with my mind fixated on one thing, while at the same time knowing I'm just gonna be let down again.

But I'm not sick of the truth, the glint in our eyes, the times we spend together, when it feels like waking up for the first time. I know there's nothing I'd rather have on my mind, and I know that I won't be let down in the end, if I just have enough patience.

I'm laying myself out, but you're always so cryptic. I like your words running under my eyes, imagining they're all about me, never really knowing. Sometimes it's better never to know. Sometimes I wish I did.

Last night you were yourself, only for a second, but I'm looking at the three words that speak louder than anything you've said to me for weeks.

"Where do you want to be?" "I Y A".

But where will you want to be for that next second, and the minute after that, and the year after that. Sometimes it's better never to know. Sometimes I wish I did.

Walk right over me. Because when you get right down to it, whatever happens, you're always there, and you always will be, and I know we haven't smiled at each other for the last time. I know I'm going to hold your hand again. Nothing can stop that from shining behind my eyes and burning in my chest.

I've never felt this happy. I've never felt this crushingly depressed. Feeling both in the same breath. There's a name for it. When you're not just skin and bones but a swirling mass of invisible highs and lows. They call that being alive kids. Try it some time.

xxo