Today I have

- Taken a nap

- Watched 20 episodes of Scrubs while writing 3 different essays at once

- Learned half of the Soulja Boy dance

- Missed someone while holding a picture of them at arms length

- Eaten a block of Stilton

- Had the first of this weeks bro downs

- Lost a glove

- Discovered Cotard's syndrome

- Found a glove

- Watched an interview with Scott Storch and wondered...why?

- Cleaned my teeth exactly 4 times

- Taken a shower exactly 0 times

- Become ever so slightly overwhelmed

I just got back from taking a walk in the frost at 5 in morning. Try it.

xxo

Hopeful...

I'm kinda down at the moment. My dad went into hospital last Friday for a check up, and it turns out that he has to have a heart bypass operation. So unless he gets it in the next couple of days, he won't be home for Christmas. Suddenly a lot of things don't seem so important any more.

I've always got through bad things by being optimistic, so I must also add that I have found deoderant that smells like bubblegum.

In January I'll be starting on something very important to me. I'm very excited about it.

I don't have much else to talk about.

xxo

I'm glad

I'm glad you don't cry any more. Because that was why I got upset. Knowing that it was me who made you cry. Most relationships fall apart because two people just stop working, but when it came to us, it was all my fault.

I always knew that you'd eventually forget me, and that you'd be able to laugh about it with someone else. How your awful ex messed you around. How he calls you up all the time because he can't let go.

I'm glad you're done with me. Every time I saw you, it all came flooding back. Actually, I realised that it had been there all the time. When I thought I was getting over you, I was just repressing. I know that I'll never really move on. The few people that I let get even a little close to me, I pushed away, because to get over this, I need to find another you. I need to find your wit, your eyes, your voice, your hair. Spending my night finding fault with everyone in the room. I don't know if I do it because I'm looking for you, or if I just don't want anyone to get close to me again.

Has it really been three years? When people ask me about you, I can never tell them how long is since we were together. I can't really remember being truly happy. I do have happy memories, but I've been down for a long long time. Haha, I sound like a 'depressed' little teenager.

We did grow up, maybe that's the problem. You had to grow up faster than I did. Now that I have, you've already moved on. I wish we'd met this year. Two kids going through university together, graduating, building a life. I could say that someone else is living my fairy tale right now, but I would never have made it that far.

I still kid myself that it'll be our little girl that will be called Lily, but I know deep down that she's just going to be mine.

The hang-ups never lasted long, the evil stares never made contact. We never meant the fuck yous, and we both always cared. I know these things happen, but we were right for each other. If we weren't then I would never have loved you so much. We didn't work because of me, because I was a child, and I didn't think. My mistakes ended it. I think that's why it's you that moved on first, because you don't have anything to blame yourself for. We're both on opposite sides of Take This To Your Grave.

With every breath you wished my body would be broken.

When I catch fire, you wouldn't piss to put me out.

You hope I wrap my car around a tree.

But my teeth will never look so great next to anyone else's makeup.

I'm so glad you're not done writing your poems. I always get that funny little feeling when I think they're about me, even though they probably aren't.

Here I go again. I'm sorry. From here on out it's nothing but heartfelt little entries about that mystery girl, the one I'll love until the end of time.

xxo

Currently listening to: Stay With Me - Rod Stewart and the Faces

I'll tell you what happened to us

We were connected.

One way or another.

Then we only connected when you had the time.

Then not even when you had time to connect.

Then you pulled the plug.

I always knew the right time to call, but you never picked up.

Even if a tear did fall, you never let me close enough to catch it.

You can roll out all the poetry you like, but you're still the one running away. You say it's over, but it never will be. You're just scared.

You'll never be with me again. Wherever I go, you'll never be there.

Someone was coming to save you. I tried for a long time before I realised you don't want to be saved.

xxo

You got some fuckin' attitude

Nights that start out bleak can become starry.

Revisited a club I haven't been to in years. Met a dude in a denim jacket who kept buying us drinks and a Jim Morrison tribute singer. Strange but fun.

First 5am phone call in 6 months, maybe longer. Those 10 minutes made me fly.

Real update tomorrow when I can see the keyboard.

xxo

With every breath

Top four break up albums

4. The Format - Dog Problems. Makes you want to wear a scarf and a hat and be all sophisticated about your break up situation while you sit alone in a Chicago coffee house.

3. American Nightmare - Background Music. If TTTYG was a kid, this album would be it's butch father.

2. Lily Allen - Alright Still. Changes with your mood. Listen to this after two weeks of not seeing your ex, and you won't care if you never see them again. Except maybe to punch out their new arm candy.

1. Fall Out Boy - Take This To Your Grave. Perfection. If you ever want to make a point to your ex, drive them round in your car with 'Chicago Is So Two Years Ago' turned right up. Drop them off, then smile to yourself because they don't get it.

This was supposed to be a top five, but I can't really think of another album that got me through a break up in one piece. If I had to pick one, I'd say Nothing Gold Can Stay by New Found Glory, because 2's and 3's was the first song I played when I had my first split. I played that song on repeat for about 3 days, and I seriously thought I'd never fall in love again. But I did, and so will you.

I also have to point out that these albums are not break up records in the classic sense, i.e. full of songs that are designed to fit your feelings of depression. Rather, these songs will lift you up and carry you through, making the bad moments fly by. They create feelings of acceptance, and are, in some cases, a big fuck you to tradition. No one should feel like a victim because a relationship turned bad. So turn your speakers up and hold your head high. Because at the end of the day, we're all still standing, hearts beating, ready to love again.

xxo

I just don't know anymore.

What the fuck is happening?

xxo

Top ten

1. We have the same beef

2. We both think charity work is awesome

3. She loves the high life, but she doesn't try to live it

4. She keeps my dreams alive

5. Guys think they're playing her, but she plays them right back

6. I'm a geek, and she likes it

7. Her eyes

8. Curry nights

9. I get her, she gets me

10. We're in love. Even if our brains don't know it

xx fucking o

You heard the lady, grab a spine and get crackin'

I love my college timetable. Having Friday as my day off is just about the best thing about the whole situation. Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer doesn't go to Church and has the best morning ever? That's gonna be my day tomorrow.

Now onto the subject of dreams. The past few sleeps have given me some pretty rad ones. I flew around the neighborhood last night, and the night before I almost became bassist from Bloc Party. I'm excited to fall asleep now.

I do realise my posts are getting shorter, but frankly, I haven't been that emotional recently.

Coming tomorrow, a top ten list.

xxo

Currently listening to: John Legend - Let's Get Lifted

More mosh for your dosh

I'm gonna look strange with long hair. I'm growing it for an awesome cause called Locks Of Love. On that subject I'll be doing some fundraising work for the charity that just paid £20,000 for my auntie's cancer treatment, once she tells me the name of it...

College is going good, I'm getting into my business element. Nothing else to say about it really because it's boring as hell to everyone but me.

I feel like my frienships have been rewound sometimes. I'm seeing people I never thought I'd see again. Quick bouts of nostalgia (AW) always come around when we're all together. Last Saturday, everyone was under the same roof for the first time in over a year. That's what our youth is all about. Bro hangouts galore.

Writers block has got me again. I need to tidy my room and chase up my Sidekick, speaking of which, how excited am I for the UK release of the Sidekick LX, not least because I instantly get one for free the day they come out.

xxo

Currently listening to: Bloc Party - Flux

Everyone had beer, I had candy. This tells you pretty much all you need to know about me.

When I started this journal, I was really just writing it to let someone know how I felt. They started writing one of their own, and it became a kind of a call and response thing. I'd write this the same way whether a million people read it, or just one.

I had a pretty awesome weekend. Update later when I get back from Blockbuster night at Kyles.

























Everyone had beer, I had candy. This tells you pretty much all you need to know about me.

xxo

Four days without showering, and I still smelled lovely

Everything's going well at the moment.

I'm back in the education system, doing my Honours in Business. I want to finish up my studies in the States, but we'll see how things go first.

Speaking of the good old U S of A, I'll be escaping to Boston at the end of October for a few days. I need a break. I've arranged my flights so I get a five hour stopover in Chicago on the way home. Can't wait.

I've been catching up with a few old friends in the past couple of weeks. It's taken part of me back to a better place. They say you don't know what you've got till it's gone, but sometimes you don't know what you've got until it turns up after a year and starts cracking old jokes with you.

All in all everything is pretty peachy.

Except I keep grabbing hold too hard sometimes.

xxo

Lookie lookie I've got Hookie

Ok, so I could have updated tonight, I do have some things to talk about. BUT. If I do that, then I'll have to write another post on Saturday, because I know I'll have more things to talk about after tomorrow, and I hate having to write two posts so close together, unless I'm feeling particularly lyrical. I like my posts to have some kind of structure, and I always spend ages trying to get it right. So if I update on Saturday, I'll be able to do one awesome post rather than two mediocre ones. Fair? Yeh I think so. Plus, there's a title I want to use.

It's 3:18 am and I have to meet Lucy tomorrow at 1 for coffee. My eyes are heavy but I still feel active, so I probably won't sleep till like 5, which means I'll be rushing in the morning because I don't have an alarm at the moment. But fuck all that, I'm gonna make toast.

xxo

p.s. One thing I have to talk about which won't be relevant on Saturday is that Lily gets back from Bulgaria tomorrow. I'm excited.

edit: This actually turned out to be quite an average post. Lucky you.

LDN-DND

8 in the morning and we're driving down the motorway towards London. At this point however, I am completely unaware of this fact, as I am asleep.

The hotel was ok. I immediately grabbed the first shower, got clean, and headed out. I've been to London only once before, but I didn't really pay attention. I think I was ill or something. Anyway, I'm good at finding my way around strange places. I got on the Underground to Picadilly Circus after paying a stupid amount of money for a ticket. I tried to take pictures but they didn't come out too well and people looked at me funny.

Picadilly Circus was kinda cool. I've never been there before, so it was a bit like walking onto a film set, seeing something you've only ever seen in pictures before. I looked at the statue of Eros and remembered the little in-joke. It made me smile.

I picked a random direction and started walking. I figured, this is London, so whichever way I walk, there's gonna be something to see. I was right. Two minutes later I'm at Trafalgar Square. I tried to take pictures of Nelson's Column but I had to stand so far back that the focus messed up and it blurred. I probably could have taken an ok one, but to get in the place I want, I'd need to be dodging traffic.

I walked past Downing Street. I was shocked to see the big fences at each end, and then realise it makes sense. If they weren't there then people would just throw stuff. It's the same at the Houses of Parliament. I spent ages trying to get a good photo of me and Big Ben, and then set my watch by it. There was a statue of William Churchill facing it. He looks like Goldfinger to me.

I took a stroll down the Thames. It made me feel quite poetic, or like I was in a romantic comedy. I ended up back at Picadilly circus and remembered that the Bathing Ape store was nearby. So I walked over to a bus stop to look at the map. I couldn't find the street the store was on, but something else caught my eye. In the bottom left hand corner I see this street, tucked away, called Lillie Road. Now, in life, certain opportunities present themselves, and you have the chance to do something unexpected. This was one of those times. So I jumped on the Underground and scooted my little romantic ass over. I walked down this road, trying to find a street sign to take a picture with. 15 minutes later, I find one that suffices. Now bare in mind I had to wait 10 minutes for the tram, then another 10 minute journey to get to the actual street. Some people may wonder why I went to all this trouble. Well, if you know me, you know that I don't pass up chances to be romantic very often. If I can do something for my Lily (even if she isn't actually MY Lily any more), then I'll do it. Things like that still mean a lot, whatever the circumstances.

After walking another 15 mins back to the Underground station (what the hell man, so you spent 50 minutes to get one lousy photo? Yes motherfucker, I did, now get off my back. I'm sweet, sue me) I headed over to Kings Cross to get a picture of the wall between platforms 9 and 10. I figure I'm here, why not? I got a nice surprise when I arrived to take a picture of a blank wall however. There's like a sign saying 'Platform 9 3/4', and a luggage trolley stuck halfway through the wall. Bad fuckin' ass.

The rest of my night consisted of me heading back to the hotel, my Mum thinking I was dead because she hadn't hear from me, watching Skins, not being able to sleep, getting lost on the way to the Apollo and taking an hour to make a 5 minute journey, being mistaken for Gabe Saporta, and eventually going to sleep with a headache.

Day two, I woke up at about 11, stayed in bed till about 11:40 (so what, I'm on vacation). The problem being we had to check out at 11:30, so the cleaners kept knocking on the door trying to get me out. I got ready in record time and rolled out at a quarter to twelve. My sister, the little lurker that she is, went down to the venue at 7 in the morning, so I knew I had a front row place guaranteed. The doors opened at 5:30, so I spent the day wandering around, trying to avoid talking to random kids, and avoiding being on MTV. Seriously, if that shit ever goes on MTV, there's like a bunch of kids screaming to the camera, and then there's this one dude with a chicks hoodie and flip flops leaning on this shitty ass white van looking all sultry. I expect to spot that shit on Youtube.

Pretty uneventful day. Saw Panic in a hairdressers, which was kinda unexpected. I guess dudes gotta look good.

Got straight to the front at the show. Started out fun. Cobra Starship impressed me, but they didn't really fill the room. Full version of 'Snakes' was bad ass though, with Travie and William Beckett.

I haven't really given The Academy Is' new album much of a listen, but the songs sounded awesome live, and I rocked that on my ipod on the drive home.

Gym Class kicked ass. I wasn't sure how receptive the crowd would be, because last time I saw them in a support slot was with Fall Out Boy at the Academy in Manchester, and like half the people in there booed. They totally came through though for London and everyone loved it, especially the token scream when Patrick came out to sing Cupids Chokehold.

At that point, when GCH walked off stage, I decided that I didn't like being crushed by 15 year old girls. I wasn't even standing up on my own anymore, liek you tkae away the people around me and I'd have just fallen straight over. So I backed up to a safe distance to watch P!ATD.
Panic were so amazing. I've never seen them live before, and from beginning to end they were just perfect. Played new songs, which were awesome, totally what I was expecting, and totally spot on. The crowd reactions, the stage presence, everything was just perfect. I can't wait for them to tour the new album.

So then I'm waiting there expecting Fall Out Boy to come out any minute. It had been about 40 minutes since Panic left the stage, and I see peopel around me getting restless. Then Dirty walks out and I'm like 'finally'. He grabs a mic and announces that there's a little surprise. I'm still reeling from Panic so I'm like 'what now?'. I'll tell you what now. Fucking Tom from the Plain White T's walks out and plays 'Hey There Delilah'. Everyone sings along, it's just amazing.

So after all that, Fall Out Boy take the stage. They're a lot more polished than the last time I saw them. The whole set smacked of pop style, but it was still damn good. Travie rapping over 'The Take Over', the covers of 'Beat It' and 'Ignition', the Timbaland track getting played, albeit minus the man himself, throwing the 'Dance Dance' moves down in front of a bunch of kids who've only ever heard these guys on the radio, and two-stepping to Saturday. The only bad thing was Pete looking as if he didn't want to be there, but that's so minor compared to the rest of the show I don't even care. By the time everyone left I was so wired on adrenalin I couldn't keep my legs from shaking.

I managed to get rid of it and sleep on the drive home. Got in at 6:30 and passed out.

Same time next year.

xxo

Re: Re: An Open Letter

Come and get your money.

xxo

An open letter

My head is like a whirlwind. It slows down sometimes, and I can pick thoughts and feelings out. Right now I'm in a spin. It's always best when things come out under my fingers onto this monitor, or flow out of my pen onto my battered notebook.

I feel full of romance. Like it's gonna burst out of my ears if I don't give someone a bunch of flowers. It feels weird having all this love for you and not being able to show it. I do hint at it, and you pick up on it, but I don't think I show just how much you mean.

I'm done being afraid of showing my feelings. This is who I am, why should I hide it?

I do miss you more than anything. I saw a girl walking across Tesco car park today who looked like you from the back, and my stomach turned over. It wasn't you, because your car wasn't there, but I loved having that feeling for you.

On the drive home I remembered things about me and you.

I saw a garden full of flowers and I remembered the bouquet I left for you when you were on holiday, and how I went to the flower shop and asked for 'something nice for a pretty girl'. I remembered the time I went to a field of daffodils, picked them all and covered your car in them.

I saw a pen on the floor and remembered when we made love and you fell asleep in my arms, and I sat up watching you sleep and wrote you a song, and then put it away somewhere safe.

I saw a tissue on the dashboard and remembered when we were broken up and I came over and cried on your shoulder, and you took me back and I woke up next to you in the morning.

I saw a Mcdonalds and remembered the time you were sick and I brought you Mcdonalds in bed and looked after you all day.

I saw the sun, and remembered when we sat on the beach and watched it set together.

I got home and saw my bedroom and remembered being in love.

I want to be able to look around next year and remember a whole bunch of new moments. I want to give you the same opportunity.

I want to build a wall around us made of sweet words and gestures of affection. There will be a door so we can go out into the real world, but I want us to always go back to that place, and curl up together and only think about each others eyes.

I want to lift you up under the stars and spin you round, then put you down and kiss you, hold you in my arms and know we're the only two people that feel that way in the world.

I want to be those kids from high school. You know the ones. You're the pretty quiet girl and I'm the geeky kid with a crush. I bump into you in the hall and you drop your books. We both pick them up and our eyes meet, and that's it. Forever decided in a moment.

I remember the first moment we met. You were wearing jeans, black Converse, a blue Dickies t-shirt, and your hair in pigtails. You looked beautiful. I could never have guessed who you'd become.

I want to wake up next to that same beautiful girl every day for the rest of my life. I want to tell you that you mean the world to me every minute of every day. I want to show you. I want to sit next to you on the couch 30 years from now and tell you how glad I am that you're my wife. I want us to keep each other warm. I want to surprise you with a bedroom full of candles and flowers, and make love to you until the sun comes up.

I want you. All of you, for all time.

I love you.

I just thought you should know.

xx

Like Hellogoodbye, I'm a wimp, but a cute wimp that you want to cuddle

Of course you can only love one person fully. What's the point otherwise?

For all the talk about sex, I'm just a romantic at heart. I don't sleep around for this reason. Because sex as an act is an expression of a feeling, just like handing over flowers or writing a poem. It can mean whatever you want it to. Sex without love isn't worth anything. Yes I have had my share of it. Do I regret it? Maybe. I certainly regret the results of some of my actions, but if I hadn't been through the life I've lived, then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. Could I be happier with my life? Yes. No one person is ever truly happy. Happiness comes in moments. If the space between these moments is filled with mediocrity, then people appear to be happy. Just as people who have bad moments more than most appear to be sad. Life in its base form is mediocre, flat, and uninteresting. It is the moments that accentuate this state that truly define a persons being. My life is full of ups and downs. I've experienced crushing depression and soaring elation, and everything in between. I wouldn't have it any other way. Every scar, every bruise, every crack in my heart and mind, is a testament to the person I am today.

I've held things back, but who hasn't. No one can say that they have lived completely deliberately, unafraid of acting and speaking exactly as they see fit. Some of us are more outspoken than others, some of us act on impulse most of the time, but we'll all, every single one of us, find ourselves in moments in our lives where we'll hold something back. I've held some things in over the past 6 months, and I've let some things out that I've hidden for a long time. I am more open and honest now than I have ever been, unashamed of who I am and where I come from, but I still have things to hide. We all do.

Tonight, every one of you should let something out that you have hidden. Bad or good, for better or worse. Live your life, unafraid, for these few small hours, minutes, seconds. Be truly yourself.

I'm going to go and lie on my bed for an hour and then write an open letter to the person in my life who means the most.

xxo

Because Becks has nothing better to do than read my shitty writing

I'm bringing back flip flops and 3/4 length pants. But not like the 3/4 shorts thing, skinny jeans rolled up. I'm down with that. The sun is back now and I've got my summer look figured out. No one else does. Get a move on.

Is that kinda girly? I think I'm getting really in touch with my feminine side at the moment. It always happens when I'm single. I knew Sarah's dress was Jane Norman just by glancing at it, and then I was able to talk about the Japanese style collection she had out 6 months ago and why I liked it. Lucy was quite shocked at that. I think I'm kinda like the gay friend that isn't gay.

Blow jobs are fun. I feel like this is a subject that most people skate over. I love giving blow jobs. To girls. I don't see why we should separate sucking cock with eating out. Call them the same thing, and just go off the gender of the person saying it. So if I say blow job, I mean going down on a girl. Simple. But seriously, I don't think guys are giving this enough attention. Most of the guys I know just want to tuck their little soldier away and go straight for the finish line, but really, where's the fun in that? The best feeling in the world is making a girl cum. It makes me feel like I've achieved something from sex, rather than just fucking away and hoping the girl will get off. Blowing a girl means you can just stay down there until she gets off, and you know when she does. I love giving blow jobs. I don't know why other people don't.

I really don't know why I drink. It's just a waste of money and I don't feel good afterwards, or during. I went shopping with Lucy today (and got pissed off that you can't find DKNY jeans in Wigan) and then we drank afterwards, and it made me feel awful. I'm not at all keen on this pastime. Fuck drinking. I'm just as fun sober as I am drunk. In fact, I'm an asshole when I'm drunk, so there are pretty much no good points to it at all.

What's the deal with guys thinking that being hairy is cool? I'm all for laser hair removal. I keep my nose hair non existant, my balls shaved, and my face smooth. Any unexpected body hair gets taken care of as soon as I notice it. It's so much sexier being streamlined.

Honestly though honey, don't get hung up on mistakes. You made a bad one, big deal. If you dwell on it it's gonna upset you a lot more. I've been through the whole sadness thing, more than most people know, and it's not worth it. I wish I'd just seen my mistakes for what they were and just moved on. Don't base your life on other people. Live it for yourself and let them move around you. If you just let things happen then they work out a lot better. Things run their course. You choose your own path.

Let's see. Things I am cool with today.

1. My hair. Haven't washed it in 3 days and it still looks rad.

2. Flip flops. Worthy put it perfectly at Satans, 'Tom Cruise will be doing it next year and you'll all think it's cool'. Get on it now.

3. Kanye West. Dude can't put a foot wrong. Throw your diamonds in the sky.

4. Gym Class Heroes getting played in Debenhams. You fuckin made it guys!

5. Pasta. I cook the greatest ever.

6. Apricot face scrub and candy lip gloss. These two things are responsible for my awesome looks today.


Things I am not cool with today.

1. The lack of local DKNY stockists.

2. Alcohol. I've got a goddamn headache and i hate it.

3. I've been bitten 4 times on the same leg by a mystery bug. It's itchy and red and generally sucks.

4. The fact that I don't have a girlfriend to blow for hours.

On that last note. I really do want a girlfriend. Just someone I can be really sweet to, and also give head for hours. I don't think I'm being too demanding really.

xxo

P.S. I do still love you. I was waiting for the stones to hit my window. They never came.

Currently listening to : High Life Scenery - The Rocket Summer

Armour on the inside

I could be sweeter for you than he ever tasted.

I could be more like home than he ever felt.

I could sink the moon and bring you the sunrise.

I could break the clock and keep us in that perfect moment.

But you'll never know, and my chance passed me by.

Or did it?

Was it ever meant to be anything more than a breath.

A blink of the eye.

A flash of light.

Honey, you were never bright enough to blind me.

Let it go and let me in.

Too late, it's over.

Don't expect my shoulder when it all shatters.

xxo

I'm only crushed because your shitty computer makes it so hard to log into Blogspot

Talk bullshit at me all night, get drunk, tell me I mean a lot to you, and then fuck my friends.

Classy

xxo

Because we are unbreakable

I never saw the baby girl in your dreams
God only knows what that means
Lily and Mom have gotta make it on their own
I'd be around if only I'd known
Looking down into Lily's eyes
Holding Mommy when she cries
We'll patch up the cracks in our little hearts
Speak our secrets, play our parts
Until we both wake up again
To loneliness we can't contain
To another rainy messed up day
Never knowing if we'll be okay
But hell, we could take all these romantics to school
Cos we make fucking up look cool
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo

xxo

Stick out your toes

My sister went to her high school prom tonight. Look at how pretty. Runs in the family.
























I remember my high school prom. I had an awful hired tux, bad hair, and no date. The food was good though. I was nominated for most original dress sense, but I lost to my friend Ruth. Bitch.


The sucky thing about proms is if that you don't get another go (unless you're Lily, who's had about 23). However, they don't tell you this beforehand. They also don't tell you that it has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on anything you do for the rest of your life. If I'd known that I would have painted my nails black and worn my New Found Glory shirt.


In other news, I am currently job hunting. This time round, I have the added bonus of having some income while I'm searching. I figure I need something full time before the end of the month, otherwise I won't be able to go to Chicago this summer. Warped Tour is looking doubtful at the moment. I might plan another flight from Chicago to one of the dates in August.


I'm not sure why I'm still writing when I have a multi-pack of Fruit Pastilles downstairs.


Peace


xxo


Currently watching - Howl's Moving Castle

Hold me back in your arms

I've walked down this path a few times before. Somehow I never quite made it to the end. Now I think I know why.

Because you were always there. No matter what, you always watched me, looked after me, cheered me up when I was down. You always tried, for me, and I did the same for you. Even when the letters got torn up, and we screamed each others throats out, we were still there. Neither one of us could let go, even though we both wanted to. We both knew it could never be, but maybe somewhere we believed that love turns back time.

Now it's over. I know it more than I ever have before. I tried too hard to make things work, because I knew I could make you happy. You never really left me, I can't say why but I think it was because you cared for me, after everything that happened. We held up the bridge for too long, because neither of us could see the truth.

I've held you back for so long. Love may be blind, but it also makes you blind. I couldn't see the hurt I was causing, because everything that happened made me happy. I was so rolled up in my own world, I couldn't see what I was doing. Holding you back.

Now, after being dragged off it once again, I'm back on the path. I don't know where it takes me, but if I make it to the end, I've got a feeling I'll end up happy. But none of this can happen unless I do it on my own. I just hope there's someone to hold my hand after that final step.

I know you won't have to work to be happy, because it's long overdue for you. All you've got to do is look, and you'll find it, in the most unexpected places. I think you already have.

xxo

p.s. Hand on heart, I didn't scratch your car.

Currently listening to : My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon - FOB

You wouldn't know a good thing if it jumped up and slit your throat

I don't know what I've been turning into recently. It isn't the person I want to be. It's happened gradually but I don't even recognise who I am.

Sometimes what you need to make you realise something like this is happening is a short sharp shock, and I got mine. I ended up losing my best friend this week and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get them back.

The person I was had everything, the person I am has nothing. It doesn't take a genius to work out which one I should be.

It starts with apologies. I hope it's going to finish with happiness.

xxo

I'm officially sick. I'm up and about today though after a night of orange juice, toast, lip balm and large amounts of coughing.

Big brother is back on TV, and I couldn't care less. I stopped watching it halfway through the first series. I don't want to watch real people do boring stuff. I'd rather watch made-up people do exciting stuff.

I'm currently grabbing all the money I can to bail this place for a week and head off to the States with Lily. It's gonna be fun sleeping on couches and buses. We're gonna hit the Warped tour and all manner of fun things.

Off The Radar have gone off to record their EP, so I'm excited to hear that. You should all buy one and enrich your lives. Too much fashion and metal around these days, we need to bring back pop punk, and actually dressing nicely.

Speaking of nicely dressed pop punk, I'll be down at Music box in Manchester to see The Honeymoon Suite on Tuesday. All you lovely attractive people should come down also. Tonight I'm rolling out to another show at Fever, more for the people than the bands, in fact, only for the people. I'll watch Power's band though.

Having your own bouncy castle rules.

xxo

Currently listening to: The Honeymoon Suite - Matrimony

Currently in love with: You. Still

Save your kiss, grant a wish

I want to text you at 11.11 every day.

I want to visit our little boy and cuddle him together.

I want 3 hour phone calls.

I want to hang out and take silly photos, then take sweet ones.

I want to have film nights.

I want to cuddle until we fall asleep, and wake up again.

I want to sit surrounded by candles and drink wine until everything is funny.

Cos in this world full of fucked up romances, no-one does it better. We dance together under starlit skies when everything caves in on us. Then it's back to our lives.

Being this way means having happiness in 3 hour doses, then being hollowed out once again. But I'll never want it any other way. Because I'm never so alive as when I miss you. Except when I kiss you.

I made this for myself. We don't need each other any more. Life could go on forever this way, and everything would work out fine. But sometimes, some mornings, when the sunlight hits just right, and the breeze blows through the window over waking skin, and the bed feels just that little bit empty, something will always be missing.

I don't want love. I burned it alive. I can't make it come back no matter how hard I try.

I want you to need me. I want to be your shoulder. I want to be that voice on the other end of the line that tells you it'll all be fine.

Because we know we'll never be happy together, we'll never have the love we had.

Ex lovers till the end, better off as friends.

Let me play my part
Together we'll mend your heart.

"It's like falling down a mountain really slowly"

I'm tired but awake.

Tomorrow I will be entrusting my lush hair to Worthy who will be getting rid of most of it. Maybe. I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with my face being on display at the moment. I have spots and a mystery mark on my forehead. I might give it a week before I do anything.

Lily, you're prettier than Ferret x 1,000,001. Always love you more than anyone. You know it. Pinkies for being bests till death.

xxo

Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch of life

Good things that have happened to me today:


1. I got paid. Meaning I can now use my card to buy new t-shirts.

2. I slept in late, even if it was on a two-seater couch. I slowly built up a collection of quilts/coats/sheets throughout the night, so by like 9am, I was very toasty.

3. I didn't smoke.

4. I found my old Famous tee that I bought from Kyle, which has been missing for months, which ruled cos it's one of my favourite shirts and I thought it was gone forever.

5. My mum found my ring that was given to me by my BFF, which I also thought had disappeared forever.

6. I saw the HTL video for 'Save your breath', and it's rad.

7. I found out that Worthy didn't really win 60 grand on a scratchcard, which is a good thing because that motherfucker can already write better than me, and the last thing I need is his ass getting rich on us. But seriously, if it was true, I'd be happy for the guy.

8. Once I opened and used my new toothpaste, my mouth felt like a million dollars (see Bad things).


Bad things that have happened to me today:


1. My lips are dry and awful, and I can't find my moisturiser

2. I bought new toothpaste, and it took me about 5 minutes to get into it.

3. I just this second lost my plectrum inside my guitar.

4. I wanted to order the Fireworks EP, but the webstore sucks so I couldn't.

5. Lily is being reclusive again. Lily free days are bad days.

6. I got blood on my brand new Volcom tee, and I'm not sure if blood washes out.


I feel like today has been quite a good day, but I wanted to weigh it up to make sure.

xxo

Currently listening to: The Format - Dog Problems

This isn't over

So I didn't think it would happen, but love can change a person. I knew underneath it all, nothing's really changed.

I did something I haven't done in a long time today. It felt strange looking at the past. Nowadays we're looking at the future and wondering if it's going to happen at all.

What happened to the times when I could say anything? Now I'm the shy nervous one you used to be.

You're my worst kept secret and you'll never be a mistake.

Guess I'm back to writers block.

xxo

Tip your glass

Love written on hands with ink that pens dreams, and sealed with a kiss.

Tomorrow doesn't matter. Tonight we shine. Smash the clock cos these moments last forever.

We're the kids you love to hate and wish to be. We see the jealousy in your eyes and we feed on it. Stand up and say you didn't feel the sunlight in your veins when that first chord rang out. This is your town, and we're taking over.

Songs written to the beat of crushed hearts, from lungs to lips to the grille to your ears. We sing of our unbreakable friendship and hands that clasp across burning bridges. I've got your back. When your voice gives out, you know mine is the next one they're gonna hear.

We might get old, we might be forgotten, but we'll always be golden.

xxo

Just an interval.

Just a bridge between broken romances.

Just a fuck.

What am I to you?

xxo

I know we're gonna shine

Looking my worst when the past comes knocking. But she didn't think so.

We keep dancing until we realise the music stopped a long time ago.

Under the covers two years seems like a second. Smash open the clock and find those lost moments.

Soft spoken secrets from lips shut tight. Let our hips do the talking.

It's always too soon for you to leave. I watch you out of sight but my feet don't carry me after you. Just sit tight and let the winds blow you back to me.

Wake up in love, go to sleep happy.

xxo

edit: I love you

Update on Summer

I said I'd post again about this weekend and how rad it was.

So Friday daytime was pretty uneventful. I was in Manchester most of the day wandering around various shops looking for nice Hurley stuff (unsuccessfully), and Transformers comics. I love spending time in Forbidden Planet (my haunt for comic books, action figures, and all manner of fun stuff) because it's the only shop I know where you can browse as long as you like without being asked by some assistant if you're ok. I hate that shit. Got home eventually and went through my usual ritual for getting ready to hit the town, i.e. not showering, not changing my underwear, finding the best t-shirt I can in my pile of un-ironed crap, and making my hair look awesome. Took the bus to Wigan, oh yeh I forgot, I don't have a ride anymore, I think it happened because I like having some money left when I get paid. So anyway, caught the bus pretty late, cos I was headed to the OTR show and they were headlining. Got there and they'd been moved back on the bill, so I only caught the last song. Pretty bummed, but I got a shout out when I walked in so the whole club ends up looking at this skinny little white kid singing 'show me unbreakable' like it's '309' at a fuckin Hit The Lights show.

Everyone hung out afterwards. I love how we're a gang. Whenever we're all out together, no one can touch us. We're the shining light in the dark and the coolest kids in the room. I'm really lucky in that respect. We're hanging out, and Kyle starts talking to this chick, and honestly, she came up to about chest height on the rest of us, and wasn't much of a looker to be honest. Ok, she was pretty much a troll, what with the height issue and everything. We headed back to Kyles place in Manchester, eventually, after Worthy went completely the wrong way on the motorway. Sat around and talked about stuff for hours, then everyone except Kyle, Rowney and me went home. I slept in the corridor along with Rowney, while Kyle and the troll chick (her name was Jane, I remembered) slept in his room. As was to be expected, about 5 minutes later I heard the rhythmic creaking and moans that told me Kyle had got lucky, although I use the term very loosely in relation to the girl in question. So this goes on for about an hour (applause), and I couldn't get to sleep at all. Then all of a sudden it stops, and the door opens. I look up, expecting to either see either Kyle looking pleased with himself, or Jane looking worn out. Instead, I'm greeted with Kyle, naked from the waist down, with an erection. As I dived under my covers to hide from this awful apparition, I heard him say, 'I'm gonna fuckin throw up'. After getting over the initial shock of seeing my best friends wang staring at me, I started laughing my ass off at him through the bathroom door. When he came out again, he at least had the sense to cover his balls while he went back to his room for, as I heard from him the next day, the funniest sex he'd ever had.

We all woke up around 11 on Saturday morning. Having had about 3 hours sleep thanks to Rowney snoring (despite my efforts to stop him by throwing a towel, a lighter, and both my shoes at him) I didn't do much aside from sit on Kyles bed, too tired even to be grossed out by what I might have been sitting in. Tom hit us up saying his house was free and did we want to hang, so we dragged our asses up and made the trip to the bus stop. Rolled to Toms in Rowneys new car. Not bad even though he does drive too fast. Ate barbecue and had general fun time when we got there. Kyle invited the short chick and her friends round. They were quiet and a bit odd really. When me and Worthy started singing and playing guitar they requested a bunch of songs we didn't know. Night finished with me finishing off my second bottle of wine and passing out on the couch.

Sunday I got woken up by the random chicks messing about on Myspace. Sat in the back garden with Tom and Worthy enjoying the sunshine. Kyle and Rowney eventually woke up and joined us, then argued about who had to take the 'visitors' home. Rowney lost and Kyle went with him while me and Tom ate chicken. When Kyle got back we decided to go shopping. When we were in Asda we all thought it would be an awesome idea to buy wifebeaters. So we did. I kinda liked mine but I'm sort of too skinny to wear it well. Hung at Kyles the rest of the day and watched Stranger Than Fiction. Seriously one of the best films I've seen in ages, you should all watch it. I lay in Kyles spare bed the whole time. Not been that relaxed in ages.

Pretty much the best weekend I've had for a very long time. Absolutely no stress, I just felt totally happy and content. It's a blessing to have friends who can do that for you.

xxo

Currently listening to: Four Year Strong - So Hot And You Sweat On It

edit: I started writing this Wednesday morning and I've just finished it now, Thursday night. I've got a few things I want to say that wouldn't fit well into this post so I'll update later tonight.

Yet again, no title

My day is 9 out of 10 so far.

Still got that little feeling after reading your update though. Like there's a grain of sand in my stomach, glowing red hot. Feels like that sometimes huh honey?

I felt like a million dollars the other night. Only one person knows why. Still do as a matter of fact.

I'm hanging out at Toms right now kicking ass at Guitar Hero, well, everyones ass except Gio's.

I'm having a junk food free week starting today because I got a stealth spot last night, you know the ones that hide under your skin for ages until you've got something important to do and then boom! So I'm gonna see if it makes a difference. I didn't realise till now how much I rely on fast food to get me through the day. I'm currently eating a banana, and it's not half bad.

Gonna go sit down and relax for a while. I'm kinda tired cos Kyle kept me up half the night having sex in the next room.

Post again later when I'm drunk and more interesting.

xxo

P.s. I just remembered a few good stories, but they're gonna have to wait.

Body like an hourglass ticking like a clock

I haven't posted in a while I know, and I probably won't be doing in the next few days cos I'm kinda busy.

Updates on my life which I will elaborate on at a later date;

- My boys are back from Spain, or wherever the hell they went. We went out last night =, got drunk and caught up and pretty much had the best time we've had in quite a while.

- Lily is back from London. Haven't seen her yet though. We're probably going to go out to eat next week if we can squeeze it in.

- After being denied for a credit card, I am goin to get a business loan in the next few weeks and launch my shit, cos I'm sick of it clogging up my head. I will also be buying a shiny new MacBook to drag my ass into the 21st century.

- Hit The Lights on Monday. Everyone's going and it's just gonna be awesome

- Getting my Sidekick back on Tuesday finally. Back to posting on the move.


I gotta sleep (work)

xxo

Currently listening to: Paramore - Misery Business

I'll be there for you, if you'd only let me.

Don't push me away.

I need you, do you need me?

xxo

It's 5am, you think of a title

So today I'm quite bummed cos my best dudes have all gone on holiday for two weeks, and when they get back my BFF is bailing me to go to London and be all sophisticated, and aside from the fact that I'm gonna miss her like crazy, my broke ass doesn't get paid for another 2 weeks, so I can't even send her to the BAPE store to buy me cute things.

In happier news, I'm moving into my own place at the end of April, which is going to be fucking awesome. I'm currently making decisions on how to make my room nice.

Went to a roller disco tonight. Sounds good doesn't it? Fuckin sucked. Bunch of drunk trendies and dudes making up for small manhoods by shouting. I seriously think I've gone off girls forever. Every one I ever see or meet just annoys me in one way or another. Some chick told me to smile cos I looked annoyed. I gave her a look and said 'No, now fuck off'. I've got it down to a science, I swear. No fucking girl is gonna come near me again, and I couldn't be happier. I've got everything I need right now, and I don't need some fucking chick messing it up for me.

I got a bit carried away there didn't I? That's the only subject I really get my emotions worked up about.

I'm signing off now. I've got other stuff to talk about but it's late and I can't remember it right now.

xxo

p.s I remembered one thing. Lilys pretty ass got through to the final 10 in Miss Wigan. How cool? She's at number 5 right now. Get voting you guys!

You want some prawn toast? Then you got a long way to walk

So yesterday Lily and I finally got some time to hang out.

I got her some Chicken Little glasses from work cos she loves that film.


















We got a bit silly after that.


















See, this is why I love this girl. She's more gangstar than me.














We made it to the chinese, after singing 'If you want a chinese, then you got a long way to walk' to the tune of Cassie's 'Long Way 2 Go'. I did a little dance. We managed to get through two plates of food each, and shared a bowl of really good ice cream. Lily balanced a spoon on her nose after about 5 minutes of trying, and then she sang Take That while doing her odd 'emotional singing' face. I filmed both of these things taking place, but I still haven't figured out how to upload videos from my camera properly, they keep coming up without sound. I'll post them up as soon as I figure it out.



























When we left we were both so full and sleepy that we got to the car, kicked the seats back and took a nap.








































We hit the cinema, watch Meet The Robinsons, and both cried at the end. I drove her home, we high fived. I left.

Best day I've had in ages. Hopefully I'll be able to post another of these soon.

Maybe another post later.

xxo

Rowney is dirtier than Dirty

I'm doing good. I really am for once. I'm having a really nice week and I don't feel like it's all gonna go bad at the end.

It's really confusing huh? We'll get through it, I know. We always do. Even if we only end up with a few weeks of happiness, it's worth it right? I'll fill the days inbetween with random busy work and avoiding The Notebook. It's all I've got, but it's enough.

I'm kinda drunk right now. I feel really messy and actually at my worst. I'll post coherent clean thoughts when I'm alone tomorrow. Right now I'm surrounded by good friends, and Lily's closer than she's been for days. I'm too busy being happy to care about the words under my hands.

I can't figure out how to end this post.

How about this?

I love you

xxo

Happily ever after. Even Cinderella needs a best friend

Let it go. Let it roll right off your shoulder. You know the worst part is over.

Summer's coming. The leaves are growing back and my little heart is starting to smile again. I walked out in shorts and my jesus walkers for the first time this year. It made the sun seem like it was shining a little brighter.

It wasn't just the sun that was shining today. I'm through that long dark tunnel, and I'm blinded by the light. I'm ten feet tall and I can do anything, and it's all because of one thing. One shining realisation. We all feel crushed sometimes. Everyone goes to a dark place that they think they'll never leave. It does hurt sometimes, and it doesn't stop, unless you remember one thing.

If you get knocked down, you have to stand up. You need to keep moving forward. No matter what life throws at you, you need to stand your ground, because it'll keep coming, and if you're crying on the floor, there's no way to stop it.

If you want a future, you need to forget the past and keep moving forward.

Keep. Moving. Forward.

xxo

P.s. Megan rules

True blues

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better
And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man
Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

xxo

Every day is a new chance

Got home from work at 7, tired as hell. Got changed and went back out without even brushing my teeth. Rolled to the practice rooms listening to Good Charlotte and singing really obviously at other cars. Hung with OTR, ate greasy chinese food and threw cushions at Matthew. I wore my white hoodie for the first time in ages. Lily's been wearing it so I sat in the corner of the room smelling myself and looking silly.

IM time now, waiting for my 'hi' to be answered.

More later, or earlier if I can't sleep again.
xxo

I feel so alone right now.

xxo

They were never that high to begin with

Disappointment is as important as breathing. The more you get let down, the easier it gets.

Maybe I'm testing myself, to see how much I can handle before I break. I can't tell if I'm getting worse, or if my skin is growing thicker, my stomach stronger. I should learn not to lay everything on the line, to try and hang it all on every tiny thread that gets dangled in front of me.

This could be my karma i guess, but I didn't cause this much pain did I? It would help sometimes if I could feel everything, rather than sitting under this subconscious umbrella. Let it rain down on me for once, so I can justify using the D word. But I don't have the guts for that do I?

I'm sick of the lies, the mixed signals, the fucking disappointment. Sick of spending every waking minute with my mind fixated on one thing, while at the same time knowing I'm just gonna be let down again.

But I'm not sick of the truth, the glint in our eyes, the times we spend together, when it feels like waking up for the first time. I know there's nothing I'd rather have on my mind, and I know that I won't be let down in the end, if I just have enough patience.

I'm laying myself out, but you're always so cryptic. I like your words running under my eyes, imagining they're all about me, never really knowing. Sometimes it's better never to know. Sometimes I wish I did.

Last night you were yourself, only for a second, but I'm looking at the three words that speak louder than anything you've said to me for weeks.

"Where do you want to be?" "I Y A".

But where will you want to be for that next second, and the minute after that, and the year after that. Sometimes it's better never to know. Sometimes I wish I did.

Walk right over me. Because when you get right down to it, whatever happens, you're always there, and you always will be, and I know we haven't smiled at each other for the last time. I know I'm going to hold your hand again. Nothing can stop that from shining behind my eyes and burning in my chest.

I've never felt this happy. I've never felt this crushingly depressed. Feeling both in the same breath. There's a name for it. When you're not just skin and bones but a swirling mass of invisible highs and lows. They call that being alive kids. Try it some time.

xxo

And you smell like one too

"Did you have a good birthday?"
"Yeh it was alrite"
"Alrite?"
"Yeh, it wasn't spectacular or anything"

Birthdays pretty much get, not worse, but more familiar as you get older. It stops being like another Christmas, and becomes just a day when you get a bunch of free stuff and you have to write a new number next to 'Age:'.

If you want a rad birthday you have to work at it. The real 'celebration' is gonna be on Friday. Hanging out with Lily Mae during the day cos we haven't seen each other for ages, or what feels like ages anyway. Then big chinese meal at night with all my friends, and a club afterwards. It'll be cool to see everyone in the same place. Almost never happens nowadays. So I guess by traditional birthday standards, Friday is gonna be my real day.

I did get a cake though. Blew out two candles (the amount of cake coverage gets a bit stupid after you turn 16) and made a wish. No I won't tell you.

Also got a new camera, with video. So expect this page to get slightly more colourful and interesting in the near future.

I'm off to stuff myself with cake and jelly beans.

Peace out

xxo

I wish I had one of those LA friendships where I get like 50 texts every day from all my friends asking me how I'm doing and inviting me for lunch and coffee and to parties at night.

Instead I'm stuck with this mess. Friends who call like once out of every 2 weeks. Friends who bail out on stuff cos its just not as important to them.

Whatever. Can't let this get me down. My best friend told me once that I shouldn't let people walk all over me. Seems like she's the only one who can do it nowadays.

I'm sick of trying to force things to work. If they're not gonna work then what's the point?

I'd say what I really feel if I wasn't so scared of losing the only person who really matters in my life.

xxo

Break down the wall that you made for me

I can't sleep again.

I feel so stupid sometimes but I guess that's what love is all about.

I think I need a holiday. I've got two possible opportunities, and two perfectly good reasons why I can't take them. I get the feeling they're the kind of reasons that would seem stupid to everyone else but it's what I think that counts right?

What are you doing on Wednesday? While you're all pushing pens around, I'll be riding the ass off all the rollercoasters at Alton Towers. Hell of a birthday huh? Photos will be posted.

Big chinese meal on Friday and bigger drinking afterwards. I'm not getting my hopes up for the people I want there but hopefully it'll all work out.

I'm gonna watch some cartoons.

xxo

I'm not possesive.

I'm not going to hold you down.

Its your life, go live it.

I just miss you more than I'd miss an arm or my eyes.

And yes sometimes I do get jealous and angry.

But it never lasts for more than a second.

The truth is you could slit my throat, and with my last breath I'd apologise for bleeding on your dress.

I'll never see you as anything other than the light of my life.
xxo

Daylight is your arch enemy

I stay up till the early hours plotting my schemes.

We wake up still dreaming. Caffeine lightens our lids. I lean over and tap out good mornings.

11.11 ticks by. I wish for your arms and your warm skin. I let you know I'm thinking of you.

Everything is moving slowly now. I want you to be there to help me deal with the speed when it picks up.

Lets take things slow, but fast forward some days. It's nice to just pretend, even if only for one weekend. It doesn't feel like we're pretending though.

Ily

xxo

Staring into my own eyes

I never seem to post any more.

My jigsaw life has found a home for some of its lost pieces. Things are finally slotting into place. Maybe we'll see the big picture soon.

Went to see Lily Allen at the weekend. I didn't catch much of the show though. My eyes were stuck on another pretty girl wearing a dress.

One thing I've noticed is that I'm never unsure anymore. My words have the weight they need, and my feet land where I point them. I may be climbing a mountain, but at least I'm moving upwards.

You still make me falter. On top of the keys I'm untouchable. Under your gaze I'm still that little kid, nervous on his first date, clothes never fitting right, words stumbling out of his trembling lips.

I'll mess with my hair and you'll tell me I'm fine. I'll never believe you.

You'll put on your face and I'll tell you you're beautiful. You'll never believe me.

We're both right.

I want to be your rock.

I want to be who you need.

It's who I am inside.

Will you ever give me the chance?

Will we always be this afraid?

My mirror shows what you dont see.

Failure.

Ugly.

Inadequate.

Child.

What do you see?


xxo

Getting cold feet

God, I haven't posted for over two weeks.

I'm eating a jam and cream cake and watching TV on my laptop. I'm wearing a towel because I can't find my dressing gown. How awesome is the show 'Heroes' really? It's really filling the void left by the fact that I can't afford comic books at the moment.

I have just poured cold water on my foot. The towel's gonna come in handy now.

I'm kinda worried about two of my friends smoking too much weed. They're starting to get overly aggressive in situations that don't really call for it, and having mood swings sometimes. I can't reach into their lives and change things, but some days I wish I could.

I don't have much else to say right now except for I wish I was a superhero.
xxo

To someone very special, so says the Valentine

I'm missing you to death but your reach is long.

It's strange how someone who's so close can seem like they're a million miles away. We get close sometimes, but we're both too scared. Even then, what I meant was never said. Your makeup is still on my pillow, am I still on yours? It's proof of what's still there. I think we're running out of alcohol honey. I hate this fucking town.

Shiver. That's what you get when you think of her. Dreams of you every night. Hoping at the front, but knowing at the back that your not doing the same.

Hah, I write about you every day. Up here, on scraps of paper, in my notebook, in your Valentine. You just don't have the time do you? Sometimes I wonder if you'll even have time for your own birthday.

You'll probably never read this. It's hard to let go sometimes. Refreshing every morning, every night, for a journal update. I can't help myself. Waiting for that message that'll never come.

Don't take this too bad. I'm not mad. I couldn't think more of you than I do right now. You've got so much in your life right now that I know I can't help but be pushed to one side. I'm happy where I am. I'm happy for you. I just get caught up sometimes thinking that maybe you could have a few more happy moments in your day if you'd only let me in.

xxo

Pray they don't grow up to be

I don't feel very productive today. I'll probably end up getting results at 3am, as usual. Count yourself lucky, I don't get my fresh start till Friday.

You are the dream, and I am the dreamer. You're no car crash. You're my world. I won't let you fall apart.

I know it doesn't mean anything in comparison, but I write about you.

xxo

I have 3 good ideas

I'm past writing my life around everyones plot line.

It doesn't matter how I feel to any of you. We're all selfish at the core. Every day, every twist, every shock, every word wraps a different shell around our hearts, a different way of feeling or acting. But in those quiet moments, when it's all stripped away and it's just you, then you know who you truely are.

Will anyone understand me crying in that little room? I know you will. Your baby eyes are my pills.

I am ten feet tall. Today a boy, tomorrow a prince.

xxo

I don't have time to fall apart

No more hot feeling. No more bad dreams. Jealousy is so last week.

I'm gonna make this into a real journal tomorrow.

I love you all. Especially you.

xxo

Dedication to a friend

I'm so glad I have you. I don't know where my heart would be if you weren't there.

Belief where there is none. Fighting a selfless battle in the hope that both sides win. You are solid gold.

Thankyou. Over and over till eternity.

xxo

Don't get mad, just leave him

To be standing in a room, knowing I'm the only kid who misses you. That's called love.

Bad news has a way of creeping up on you. That hot feeling just chased away all the strength I had. I had so many words and now they're just ghosts.

Things were going to change, but I guess it's still all about you honey.

xxo

It's what ghosts are made of

Nothing matters in the time between waking and sleep.

I had an awesome night tonight. Just sat in bed and watched movies, ate ice cream and drank beer. There's no point in being upset all the time. I've done so much today and I feel like I could do anything tomorrow.

You're all gonna look so pretty in gold. I'm so excited I could burst.

"You're always on my mind" I never understood that till now. Someone invent cameras for inside my head.

I never miss you too much, because I meet you in my dreams.
xxo

You are the sun.

The kid I used to be is almost dead. Tell the boys where to find my body.

I'm ready to make this year my own. You'll all be golden soon enough.

I remember changing lanes to stand under your window.

All my thoughts were on paper today.

xxx

If I could have posted Saturday night it would have read "I'm in heaven".

Who would give that up? Reasons don't come so easily. I haven't found one yet.

I'm going to look for a therapist this week. There's so much on my chest I can't breathe sometimes. You're my ear to listen and my shoulder to cry on but space is a wonderful thing for a girl to have. Lets let someone else handle me for a while.

I looked at the picture of you two talking last night. I know he read it and you'll be slipping into his mind between all the interviews and putting a face on.

I've decided to stay behind the scenes. The guys up front take the hits while we do our thing. Charlie, you got the life we love to live baby.

Smile. Kiss. Bliss.

xxo

24 is officially my new favourite show. Everyone seems to be dumber than Jack Bauer though.

I'm going to catch the CIWWAF/Hit The Lights gig tonight. Dave Melillo as well, so I can have a nice night of sing alongs.

I'm currently battling with a hangover but I'm winning so far. Water is my weapon of choice.

Aww man I hate knowing that someones gonna die in 24. "Your moms waiting for you at CTU. I'll drive you there myself" You are SOOO dead man!

Going away this weekend, it's gonna be great. I'm packing bags and everything. Hopefully we'll be driving from the stars into the sunrise.

Meeting a hero as well. I won't know what to say to him. I don't think I have anything to say that would drastically change his mood or life so I'll just keep my mouth shut.

Food time.

(Btw that dude did die)

xxo

Near death experiences give you glimpses of heaven. I think I died on the operating table tonight. I don't make much sense right now. my head is fuzzy. Post tomorrow morning. Pinkies
xxx

You never know when those moments are going to come around. Wondering how dark its gonna get, and then having a star shine on you from nowhere.
The cat got its cream tonight.
I can see the road again and my foot is ready to hit the floor.
Every day is a new chance. Every day has a new surprise. You can keep your crystal ball. They wouldn't matter if you could see them coming.
Xxo

Sometimes when you can't sleep you forget how much happens at night. I haven't looked at the stars yet, or checked to see if it's snowing again. When God made me he didn't give me enough room in my head for all these things. Does anyone remember seeing those cartoons where they would show inside someones head and it would have filing cabinets for all their thoughts and memories? Someone needs to fix me up with a waste basket.

Its amazing how so much emotion can come from one person. Lovehatehappinessdepressionmeyouhim.

I'm the last man standing, holding up a crumbling building with one finger. My shoulders can bear this weight forever, but sometimes I stumble and fall into a coma.

My bedsheets are a tomb, and just before my oxygen runs out you shine a light in, and grab my hand and pull me back into the world.

If you knew that you filled my head, would I fill your heart?

Xxo