An open letter

My head is like a whirlwind. It slows down sometimes, and I can pick thoughts and feelings out. Right now I'm in a spin. It's always best when things come out under my fingers onto this monitor, or flow out of my pen onto my battered notebook.

I feel full of romance. Like it's gonna burst out of my ears if I don't give someone a bunch of flowers. It feels weird having all this love for you and not being able to show it. I do hint at it, and you pick up on it, but I don't think I show just how much you mean.

I'm done being afraid of showing my feelings. This is who I am, why should I hide it?

I do miss you more than anything. I saw a girl walking across Tesco car park today who looked like you from the back, and my stomach turned over. It wasn't you, because your car wasn't there, but I loved having that feeling for you.

On the drive home I remembered things about me and you.

I saw a garden full of flowers and I remembered the bouquet I left for you when you were on holiday, and how I went to the flower shop and asked for 'something nice for a pretty girl'. I remembered the time I went to a field of daffodils, picked them all and covered your car in them.

I saw a pen on the floor and remembered when we made love and you fell asleep in my arms, and I sat up watching you sleep and wrote you a song, and then put it away somewhere safe.

I saw a tissue on the dashboard and remembered when we were broken up and I came over and cried on your shoulder, and you took me back and I woke up next to you in the morning.

I saw a Mcdonalds and remembered the time you were sick and I brought you Mcdonalds in bed and looked after you all day.

I saw the sun, and remembered when we sat on the beach and watched it set together.

I got home and saw my bedroom and remembered being in love.

I want to be able to look around next year and remember a whole bunch of new moments. I want to give you the same opportunity.

I want to build a wall around us made of sweet words and gestures of affection. There will be a door so we can go out into the real world, but I want us to always go back to that place, and curl up together and only think about each others eyes.

I want to lift you up under the stars and spin you round, then put you down and kiss you, hold you in my arms and know we're the only two people that feel that way in the world.

I want to be those kids from high school. You know the ones. You're the pretty quiet girl and I'm the geeky kid with a crush. I bump into you in the hall and you drop your books. We both pick them up and our eyes meet, and that's it. Forever decided in a moment.

I remember the first moment we met. You were wearing jeans, black Converse, a blue Dickies t-shirt, and your hair in pigtails. You looked beautiful. I could never have guessed who you'd become.

I want to wake up next to that same beautiful girl every day for the rest of my life. I want to tell you that you mean the world to me every minute of every day. I want to show you. I want to sit next to you on the couch 30 years from now and tell you how glad I am that you're my wife. I want us to keep each other warm. I want to surprise you with a bedroom full of candles and flowers, and make love to you until the sun comes up.

I want you. All of you, for all time.

I love you.

I just thought you should know.

xx